Resilience for All in 2020

Introduction

My late mother would speak about “living life on life’s terms”. She has in her late 80’s when she discussed this over lunch with My wife and I, and 48 hours later, she was dead.

Mum’s life was normal, but rich in what matters – she was content with her life and until 85 or so there was little that she really had had to worry about. She had been brought up with deep faith but was not sectarian. She believed that “Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage: it can be delightful'” (George Bernard Shaw).  Her code meant front up and deal with it. Keep life simple and keep moving.

The Problem

Today so many of us know we need to deal with things but we don’t have the skills – we expect someone else will solve our problems and set us back on the path to the happiness we deserve.  After attending Buddhist based meditation for a few years and having heard Buddhist and non-Buddhist speakers I had long ago accepted that happiness had to come from within and it did come from things. New toys are nice but they quickly loose their shine.

Real happiness for me is about having an ordered life an inner peace. I am fortunate that Carmenza and I are in many ways similar and more important she had abandon collecting things long before we met. She came to Australia with 2 * 33 kg bags it begin a new life for six months but she met me and we began a new life together and she stayed in Australia without her family, friends and things. Few things really worried her but I am grateful for WhatsApp and Skype which mean we can be in contact with family and friends around the world without worrying about the next phone bill.

There are many people promoting mindfulness and health as a way to inner happiness including Oprah and Deepak, Hindu and Christian meditation groups.

Personal resilience is critical in dealing with our day-to-day existence. Each person’s experience will be different but over our lives we can expect to have to deal with failures, death of a loved one, ending of relationships, accidents, false accusations, sickness and financial stress. Suicide is all too prevalent in our society and mostly from people who cannot deal with life. Life is not always fair but we need accept reality. We need to have coping skills in or bag for when we need them. My best friend committed suicide before we were 30, as he really could not cope with a failed marriage.

The Gift

The real gift we can give our children, family and clients is coping skills.  My wife gave me a book called “The Resilience Project : Finding Happiness through Gratitude, Empathy and Mindfulness” by Hugh van Cuylenberg[1], for Christmas. Once I started reading it, I had to finish it.  Not that I agreed with it all but it had a good clear message. We all want to be happy and some practices will make us happier. What van Cuylenberg called “resilience” can be achieved via the key practices:

Key 1 : Gratitude

Rather than preparing a toy list each day we are asked to look at what we have a record gratefulness or it. I am very lucky that Carmenza came into and decided to stay in my life.  We have food in the fridge and a roof over our heads. Carmenza often reminds me we are fortunate to have had parents who put us first.  We often talk about how fortunate we are.

Many of us are driven by things outside ourselves – the new home, car and holiday. I do remember several new homes and quickly wanting one a little bigger, closer to transport or with xxx. That holiday never lived up to the rosy expectations and the car quickly was the wrong choice. I wanted the next thing – that will make me happy.

I do remember my parents worked hard and were happy with what they had.

A friend of mine recently lost his wife who had been his life partner for more than 45 years. Whilst her death was not unexpected his email focused on how lucky he had been that she had come into his life and had made him change. It was not the email I expected.  It does show her impact on him.

The sibling of gratitude is random acts of kindness. This is real love in the air and mostly it is small things like letting people into a merging que.

Key 2 : Empathy

For me empathy is the ability to see the world the way other sees it and understand that.  As my Buddhist meditation teachers say real love is to sense the joy in others and the feel happy that they are joyful. This leads to their inner peace and harmony.

Empathy let’s us think others have reasons for being in a hurry, such as cutting us off in traffic. It can be simply talking to someone or giving to a worthy cause without asking too many questions. It really means we are listening to what is occurring around us and not just concerned about ourselves.

Several years ago I was in Spanish speaking Bogota, Colombia, and I had had a meeting run an hour over time, it was dark, and I was feeling very lost – I got a call as I exited the lift – the white car on the corner is waiting for you. It was an Uber before we had Uber in Australia. Someone speaking English opened the door and said – Hi Paul, I am taking you to your hotel. We arrived and being Uber it had been paid. This person who ordered the Uber really felt for my situation. I will be grateful for a long time and I do tell the story regularly.

Empathy for me means more than thinking – it is a call to action – the action may be a call saying no more than thinking of you – it is giving of yourself but generally not in a major monetary sense.

Key 3 : Mindfulness

What mindfulness is is subject to some debate. The Mayo Clinic offers the following explanation:

Mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you're sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment. Practicing mindfulness involves breathing methods, guided imagery, and other practices to relax the body and mind and help reduce stress.

Spending too much time planning, problem-solving, daydreaming, or thinking negative or random thoughts can be draining. It can also make you more likely to experience stress, anxiety and symptoms of depression. Practicing mindfulness exercises can help you direct your attention away from this kind of thinking and engage with the world around you.[2]

I think of it as a step in the meditation process whilst other consider it to be a form of meditation. I think we can all agree it that does is calm the mind and when our mind is calm allow us to be patient and then see the world and our issues in balanced or measured way. For me meditation needs to focus on a virtuous object.

Thinking about the world and seeing this way allows me to destress and focus on now – not live in the past and what I should have sone or what other could have done or live too far ahead and worry about the future. We need to live in the moment and focus on the job we are doing – especially if it is meditating.

Modern Buddhism, operating in conventional western society, teaches many westerns some practical application of its core practices. What van Cuylenberg is trying to teach is the development of a peaceful mind which is the key to contentment and happiness. It we mix gratitude, empathy and love as virtuous objects in our meditation we will achieve much of what van Cuylenberg offer to us.

Van Cuylenberg and Buddhists accept that happiness cannot be found in possession, things, experiences or food or mid altering substances. Happiness lies within. Geshe Kelsang Gyatso in his well know book “Eight Steps to Happiness”[3] says we must develop virtuous minds which include gratitude and empathy.

Van Cuylenberg has demonstrated that with practice many people can learn to manage their mind, be healthy, be happy, focused and therefor improve their business life. For me what was interesting was his work was across age groups and worked for all. I am most impressed about the application with children and becoming a life long practise.

If we can have a happy mind, we will have a calm mind and not only be more productive but efficient as our mind will be filled with positive energy. Books like The Resilience Project but meditation into the hands of many without the fear of joining a cult.

It is in our interest to practice mindfulness and meditation – it is a daily investment in a happier and healthier life.

Paul Raftery / www.paul.raftery.com.au

             

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[1] Ebury Press (Penguin / Random House Australia), Melbourne. 2019.

[2] See :www. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356. Accessed 29-01-2020.

[3] Revised Edition, Tharpa Publications, England, 2012.